gain and loss

I only realized the last couple of days what I've done. What am I doing here? I am not visiting, not traveling... I'm here to live, to stay. I'm suppose to build myself a life here, by giving up the life I had back there. All of a sudden, the good things I had seem so precious. But of course I had to go. I couldn't have been content staying in Boston. The comfort wasn't enough, a home of my own wasn't quite enough. So far Beijing had been comfortable: getting my own space, still having a partner to fall back on, having enough social life with friends that I already know, keeping busy. It wasn't until last night, going out with Eva and a few other friends I haven't met before, did I feel a sense of not belonging. They were very good friends, I didn't know them well. The contrast was obvious. I couldn't keep up with their conversation, because they spoke too fast, too intimately, too loudly, and used Northern accents I couldn't decipher. All of a sudden I realized, wow, it really is different to live here than to visit. By the end of a year, could I build relationships as close as theirs? Would people want to, knowing that I'm only a passer by? Would it be time to leave, once again, as soon as I've established a life here? It took 5 years in Boston to find that place of belonging, after trying one group after another, experiencing all those different communities... Then I was edgy and bored, wanted to leave. And now I'm here, once again feeling lost, feeling alone, feeling discomfort. But it has to be this way. I still think it's worth it, even if I miss the people I've temporarily lost back "home" in Boston.