gain and loss

I only realized the last couple of days what I've done. What am I doing here? I am not visiting, not traveling... I'm here to live, to stay. I'm suppose to build myself a life here, by giving up the life I had back there. All of a sudden, the good things I had seem so precious. But of course I had to go. I couldn't have been content staying in Boston. The comfort wasn't enough, a home of my own wasn't quite enough. So far Beijing had been comfortable: getting my own space, still having a partner to fall back on, having enough social life with friends that I already know, keeping busy. It wasn't until last night, going out with Eva and a few other friends I haven't met before, did I feel a sense of not belonging. They were very good friends, I didn't know them well. The contrast was obvious. I couldn't keep up with their conversation, because they spoke too fast, too intimately, too loudly, and used Northern accents I couldn't decipher. All of a sudden I realized, wow, it really is different to live here than to visit. By the end of a year, could I build relationships as close as theirs? Would people want to, knowing that I'm only a passer by? Would it be time to leave, once again, as soon as I've established a life here? It took 5 years in Boston to find that place of belonging, after trying one group after another, experiencing all those different communities... Then I was edgy and bored, wanted to leave. And now I'm here, once again feeling lost, feeling alone, feeling discomfort. But it has to be this way. I still think it's worth it, even if I miss the people I've temporarily lost back "home" in Boston.

first post from beijing

I can't get on blogspot or facebook due to the censors. Hopefully I can get around this soon, after the 60th Anniversary of the PRC is over. But I can post using email, thankfully.

I've settled into a sort of life in Beijing already. It feels so strange, how comfortable it is... How busy I am, how relaxed I am. How familiar this city feels, the 3rd time here. I don't know if this is the same kind of surreal feeling I used to get, walking on the streets of San Francisco, presenting a self for the first time in Shanghai... But it almost feels as if I had never left Beijing last summer. All memories feel so ethereal, without the concrete objects to touch and sense. But at least, my sense of self is somewhat more grounded than before...if nothing else, age comes with permanence.