Thursday, December 06, 2007
flavors
I like more and more bitter flavors now, a sign of aging. I want someone to reminisce with me... I really want that kind of feeling that's full of complex and unnameable mixtures of contradicting feelings, but still calm and collected. I'm really getting old. I don't want those pure and over intense feelings; that's too tiring. I want slow and extended flavors
Sunday, December 02, 2007
surreal life
Maybe I'm not so integrated after all... maybe i am split and dissociated from myself or whatever you might call it in psychological terms. I found myself sobbing uncontrollably, and then, suddenly, just distanced myself from the situation and stopped. And I felt immediately--fine. It's a bit scary, how quick and complete this turnaround was.
I could never quite tell the difference between what's real and what's surreal. It's all the same to me. My life has no permanence to it, no permanent people, no long-term location, no sustained self... haha, it's a blessing and a curse, I guess. I insisted for so long that it's an advantage that allows me to change and become a lot of different people, instead of getting bogged down by familiarity. But I guess it makes sense to admit, that it's a blessing and a curse, like everything else in life... it's only reasonable.
But it's the same body, the same mind that I've lived in all these years. It must be impossible for all past experiences to not leave lasting traces in my brain. But i feel split... split into different worlds, different selves, different friends, different languages... I don't really know what I want. I don't feel whole anywhere. I always have to leave something behind, even though I already travel in the most "marginal" of marginal communities. It's impossible for anyone to completely understand me, i don't even bother telling friends I make nowadays about experiences from back in Houston that were so important to me... It's still important, but just not as directly relevant, and I can't just "catch up" people all the time anyways. And i'm okay with that. I can't demand too much.
but i don't even know myself; my pasts are strangers to me. hehe, what am i talking about? it's hard for anyone to be happy with what you've got. and I still have plenty of hope :)
I could never quite tell the difference between what's real and what's surreal. It's all the same to me. My life has no permanence to it, no permanent people, no long-term location, no sustained self... haha, it's a blessing and a curse, I guess. I insisted for so long that it's an advantage that allows me to change and become a lot of different people, instead of getting bogged down by familiarity. But I guess it makes sense to admit, that it's a blessing and a curse, like everything else in life... it's only reasonable.
But it's the same body, the same mind that I've lived in all these years. It must be impossible for all past experiences to not leave lasting traces in my brain. But i feel split... split into different worlds, different selves, different friends, different languages... I don't really know what I want. I don't feel whole anywhere. I always have to leave something behind, even though I already travel in the most "marginal" of marginal communities. It's impossible for anyone to completely understand me, i don't even bother telling friends I make nowadays about experiences from back in Houston that were so important to me... It's still important, but just not as directly relevant, and I can't just "catch up" people all the time anyways. And i'm okay with that. I can't demand too much.
but i don't even know myself; my pasts are strangers to me. hehe, what am i talking about? it's hard for anyone to be happy with what you've got. and I still have plenty of hope :)
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