flavors

I like more and more bitter flavors now, a sign of aging. I want someone to reminisce with me... I really want that kind of feeling that's full of complex and unnameable mixtures of contradicting feelings, but still calm and collected. I'm really getting old. I don't want those pure and over intense feelings; that's too tiring. I want slow and extended flavors

surreal life

Maybe I'm not so integrated after all... maybe i am split and dissociated from myself or whatever you might call it in psychological terms. I found myself sobbing uncontrollably, and then, suddenly, just distanced myself from the situation and stopped. And I felt immediately--fine. It's a bit scary, how quick and complete this turnaround was.

I could never quite tell the difference between what's real and what's surreal. It's all the same to me. My life has no permanence to it, no permanent people, no long-term location, no sustained self... haha, it's a blessing and a curse, I guess. I insisted for so long that it's an advantage that allows me to change and become a lot of different people, instead of getting bogged down by familiarity. But I guess it makes sense to admit, that it's a blessing and a curse, like everything else in life... it's only reasonable.

But it's the same body, the same mind that I've lived in all these years. It must be impossible for all past experiences to not leave lasting traces in my brain. But i feel split... split into different worlds, different selves, different friends, different languages... I don't really know what I want. I don't feel whole anywhere. I always have to leave something behind, even though I already travel in the most "marginal" of marginal communities. It's impossible for anyone to completely understand me, i don't even bother telling friends I make nowadays about experiences from back in Houston that were so important to me... It's still important, but just not as directly relevant, and I can't just "catch up" people all the time anyways. And i'm okay with that. I can't demand too much.

but i don't even know myself; my pasts are strangers to me. hehe, what am i talking about? it's hard for anyone to be happy with what you've got. and I still have plenty of hope :)

走一段路。。。

其实，最近两年过得还是蛮充实的。我最怕浪费我的生命，过没有意义的生活，但是虽然上半年那么痛苦，毕竟熬过去了，也算是一种积累下的乐观吧。我老是觉得，前半年很遥远，去年的事象是前年的事一样。说明，时间虽然短，但是有点成就。

我这种想法似乎有点好笑。。。好像活着是为了要积累些什么。既然没有人还留在身边，那么，呵，也就珍惜我的自我了。不过，这不是无奈。我还是很诚意的觉得，我过得还算成功。发生过的变化对我自己来说也都是进步。

只要我能回忆就好了。。。我应该给自己安排一些回忆的时间。最近好像在哪里看到，有个人觉得，东西留在心里就没有人知道，但是要是说出来，不管是冲着空气说也好，或者是写日记，这样子你的心里就成为了宇宙的一部分。可是我不大相信这个东西，什么宇宙！就算是给人说了，很多时候也只不过是自己骗自己，别人听了你的心事也不会怎样。老了，一个人，别人估计也不会在我身边帮我回想，提醒我我自己已经忘掉的事。。。

我又学会了享受自己一个人的时候，就象初中的时候，有时就自己一个人在阳台上站着，看月亮，想想事情，感觉很美好。。。我不知道怎么形容那种完全投入的享受，而且是纯粹的心理上的。那是我完全一个人孤单的时候才做到的。

我怀念中国的味道。没有某一种统一的味道啦。但是总是会闻到好多复杂丰富的味道，鼻子有得是刺激，包括很多臭得不能呼吸的味道。不象这里，什么味都没有，我都忘记有这么个感官了。那些化学成分做出来的糖果味完全都不能接受。

其实我好像已经开始有一点点回到出发点的感觉。我变化了一次又一次，离开一个又一个自己，一直都很潇洒得从不回头。我也闻不到让我怀旧的味道。最近，我开始综合了一点东西。想起15岁的时候，我跟我的好朋友戴琳一起，抱着吉他，讨论心事，整个气氛都有很女人的一种诗意。。。呵呵，当时也就是年纪轻轻，还不懂事，却又多愁尚感的两个小女生。我早就已经不是了，可是忽然，我又觉得，这种月亮下的平静品味还是有种吸引力的。

faye wong

i'm crying at a video game music video, haha. Eyes On Me by Faye Wong, was the theme song to Final Fantasy VIII. I loved Final Fantasy VIII when I was in middle school... this is the first time I"ve remembered this in years. It's so beautiful, but I never played it or saw the movie. I could never have afforded the video game, and my desktop back then couldn't handle downloading the game either. I wanted it so much... but all I had was this music video, with its limited scenes.

The girl, the prettiest asian girl with flowing black hair, an innocent smile, and butterfly-like steps. I thought I wanted to be her back then, but now, i would want her.

i don't know how to express how much I was (and am) mesmerized by the video. And how that comes hand in hand with an utter impossibility of buying it, possessing it.

orphans

i realized, i need to fall in love with an orphan. a homeless, family-less, lonely orphan. Only then, can we be happy together, only then can we build our own family, and hold on to each other tightly...

我流浪的好久了，真的很累很累啊。今年圣诞节要去那里？别人在问我，我不知道，没有家可以回的。不怕没地方住，会有朋友让我跟他们回去的，但是我不要同情我的收留所。我要的是一个跟我需要她一样需要我的家。所以，我在寻找我生命中的另一个孤儿。

思考是一种病

最近采取了一种新的生活方式。。。也就是不会想的那么多，这样活得也就比较轻松。 有个朋友跟我说，他觉得自己性格比较开朗，不会想那么多。。。

我记得我以前是会想很多很多的。今天看了台湾的一部不拉拉片，美丽在唱歌。发现我小时候跟其中一个女孩很象。。。就是胆子很小，很沉默，害羞，但是因为内向，所以内心生活很丰富，每天会自己想很多很多。。。虽然在生活中行动不是那么多。

现在不会了。我已经不象普通的女孩那样复杂。甚至不了解很多普通女孩的复杂心理。

甚至，有时候我感觉有点儿麻木。我绝对不象我妈那样子，一天到晚想着愁事。我可以，大部分时候可以，忙着做事，找人聊天，听音乐，喝点普佴茶。。。

可是，我也有点儿思念强烈的感觉。。。

a city, a life, a different person

舍不得... 我好舍不得呀。为什么又要走了呢？I know that I can't stay forever here. I know that I don't want to give up my other life, which is, I guess, my official,permanent life at Harvard. But to leave all this behind...?! again... The dozens of times before where I've moved in my life, I could care less, because I was only leaving behind bad things, or things I didn't need. But I guess this is a sign that my life is getting better. Really my life is quite happy and fulfilling as the years go by. 我真的已经很幸福了。 能在短短的四个月里,找到这么多真心朋友,找到爱我的人,找到我的母语,找到我的祖国,文化,和那么多深深地埋在我的童年记忆中的事。
I'm afraid that I'll lose this person I've found in myself again when I leave this city. We've been counting down the days... it's now 3 days left in this city that I've come to feel like home in, in this country that I've gotten reacquainted with in the last 4 months. I can't bear to leave. XA made me a silver bracelet for my birthday. She does jewelry crafts and she made it herself, this bracelet with two interconnected dots. Xu Jun has practically moved into my place, leaving occassionally for work and for her grandmother's funeral events. I saw about a dozen people on Saturday, for the last time. Even the group that I first met in Shanghai, the group that i am the least close to, said that they will miss me. I know it's impossible to actually do it, but Xu Jun keeps saying that maybe, one day I'll find her showing up at my school, to come find me... (and the funny thing is that, I've never told her which school I go to).
My pot of 水仙花 (flowers that bloom during chinese new year) has bloomed over the last few days. It's right on time. I get to smell this delicious, festive scent before I leave this little home of mine.
I keep saying to people that I will be back, maybe in as short as a year, if I come do my thesis research here. That's the only comfort. This is not like Ghana, where I may cry upon leaving, but in reality I won't go back... cause that's not my place, I was just a traveler passing through. But this place has a permanent connection to me, we're connected through the umbilical cord, and I KNOW that this is only the beginning, the beginning of lots of trips back and forth, between two places I simultaneously call home and can't join together.
Even typing all this in English feels awkward, like by processing my thoughts into English, i'm already separating myself from this world. What if, Boston will be such a different environment that I lose touch w/ this self I've found here, again? This language has just started to become instinctual again, and now I might not get to speak it, for a long time. All I have to bring back with me of this world is tons of Chinese movies, that I can hole up and watch on my own.
And the scariest thing is, I fear that I can't cry. I think all these things in my head, I dread the eventual departure, but there's that tiny uncomfortable, sour feeling in my chest that i can't grab a hole of. What I want IS that feeling. But it's so small and shadowy. It may sound funny, but I fear that I've shut down my emotions too well. I can't be like my cousin A Yu, who burst into tears when I was leaving her at the airport in Fu Zhou, when I went back to see my family one more time last week. She kept saying on the car ride to the airport that, don't make her cry, don't bring up the fact that I'm leaving. And still, in the end, her feelings came out so strongly. But I didn't have that kind of feeling. I don't want to leave her either... but why can't I find that in myself? When's the last time I cried? The second time that we got together, 3 days after we met, Xu Jun cried because of me, because I will be leaving in 2 weeks. How could she so bravely throw herself in? how does she have so much emotions/feelings/love to give out? I can only say, I'm moved, by her. But I can't help her... There's not much I can say to comfort her when she's drunk and really sad because she fears not ever finding someone to happily spend the rest of her life with. I tell her that quote: 不在乎天长地久,只在乎曾经拥有 （Ccare not for forever, but care only that you had it once--very awkward translation). but I don't know if i can convince myself even of that.
Ai, why overprocess. I will have plenty of hours on the plane, in a COUPLE of days (God!), to be in shock and be sad and feel that terrible, sour and bitter feeling in my chest. I've decided, I don't like planes.

biggest fears

it kinda seems like my life is single-themed. I socialize with a certain kind of people, i keep thinking about these issues, i write about them, i study them, i work for them... if you aren't interested in these things, then i'm probably so monotonous. Hm, I tend to really get into the things I'm into.

People keep asking me, what're your biggest fears? Well, one is that i'd forget things. I already have forgotten a lot. That's why I blog and journal, to try to salvage some of it. I feel like when I forget some experiences, then it's like I've lost that experience itself, and that part of my life is as good as it never happened. Then what's the point of it if i can't even remember the feeling I felt, the thoughts I thought? The other fear is that I only manage to have shallow relationships, that i don't have people who I'm deeply connected to, who are true friends/family/lovers. I guess I believe that relationships, rich meaningful relationships make life significant. I don't have the deep realtionship w/ family that most ppl have as a given, so I have to form these relationships on my own.

I don't know why I'm thinking about this...

tolerance to the extreme

So I can like women who're really different from me in some ways, without judging, holding them to my standards, blah blah blah. But last night, this was on another level... Over dinner, i argued with the woman I'm seeing about whether or not lalas in China who are forced to get married by family deserve sympathy or not. She actually said, "if they can't stand up to societal pressure, isn't willing to sacrifice their life for love, then they don't deserve happiness!" My God she's cold. And I think it's even weirder for her to sit there, talking as if she had nothing to do w/ queerness at all... She said bi's are terrible, can't make up their mind. So when i rhetorically asked her back, what is she then? she easily freed herself from this label, by saying that because she has given up on love altogether, so it doesn't matter what her sexual orientation is anymore. And weirder still, is that after this debate, I could have great sex w/ her... Apparently I can sleep w/ people with bad politics just fine (I still have a limit though. Her bad politics isn't the kind that actively hurts ppl; it's not hateful conservatives).

On New Year's Eve, I met a bunch of real Bu Fen's. And one of them, this beautiful woman Juan Juan, told me that:"do you know, this road we walk, as lala's, will actually be really sad when you walk it to the end." She didn't know I had anything non-Chinese in my life; she was speaking to me as just another, young, Chinese lala, and she told me that her current girlfriend is bi, that bi's are not dependable, that all bi's will get married, and thus she will be alone... but she has made up her mind, so what if she will grow old completely alone? she's decided to walk this road and she will persist to the end. I felt she was incredible, admirable. A few hours later, though, she was hella drunk, and sitting in the middle of the road, crying, while I tried to get a taxi to take her home. She was crying because, she's going to grow old all by myself... To see all this vulnerability in front of me, exhibited by such a strong person, I only wish I could do something to help, if I could offer myself or something... but that's unrealistic.