New Blog Address!!!

http://blog.sina.com/splitdriedfruits

I am migrating my blog, because even though I can access Blogspot through proxy servers in China, I can't post pictures through the proxy for some reason. Thus, I will start using a Chinese blog site. 

first snow in Beijing

I saw the first snow in Beijing, the first time I've seen snow in China. My China never snowed... it was always summer when I came in the last few years, or it was my Southern home, always hot and humid. In my memories of summer, we'd lie flat on the bamboo bunk on the ground, with the screen door closed, desperate for some wind, listening to the summer locusts buzzing, and trying to make contact with every inch of of cold surface left on the bamboo bunk... But I'd never have thought of it as "inch." Anyways, those childhood days didn't have purpose, or discontent, or unhappiness. Every afternoon, a storm would gather, and it'd pour violently for a brief while, releasing all the tension built up throughout the day. The Yulan trees outside would drop leaves everywhere, and there'd be relief from the heat.

But snow in China is like seeing snow for the first time. But it doesn't feel real without having someone here with me to share it with.

I've been holed up in my room for the last 2 weeks, unable to make a decision about grad school. But now I've finally decided to wait till next fall... applying was simply a way to run away from many other things I was afraid of facing. What happened to my decisiveness when I was 16? It did take me several weeks of thinking, list-making, reflecting to decide to move out of my parents' place... but leaving my uncle's place was one of those decisions made in a moment of clarity, when I knew, instantly and without doubt, that this was what I must do.

I haven't cried or gotten angry in a month. Nor had an intense orgasm. I need release bad. Been going to the gym a lot to work up a sweat, just to relieve some of the tension. I feel so bound by physical needs... Build up of hunger, satiation; exhaustion, rest; pressure, release; desire, release... But I can only meet about half of these right now, and it doesn't suffice. I'm missing the exhaustion, the pressure---and therefore the rest and release. I wish it would storm! The harsh Beijing winds whipping sand into your face have never actually delivered the thunderstorm I'd expect. All this fury and build-up, and no release! The times it has rained, it's been pathetic drizzles too. Not enough drama in my life I guess.

Last weekend I went to a talk given by Cui Zi'en, the foremost queer director in China. He said in one casual line what took me years to figure out: most Chinese people overseas, their mindsets are still the way they were when they left China years ago...



The other thing he said that really resonated was 我们尘土飞扬的生活 here in china. He dislikes using HD and sticks to DV format in his films, because he feels HD is too plastic, that it doesn't really reflect the way our lives here are filled with dust--to crudely translate a picturesque Chinese phrase. The grime in New York is nothing compared to the amount of dust in Beijing. It's not dirty, but even in the most luxurious places that I could never afford to shop in, there's still the same kind of dust that sticks to you every time you go out. I no longer open my porch windows, because even a few hours will leave a thin layer of dust on my computer. It's funny how it works; even the most shiny, expensive, polished people have to breathe this same dusty air.

Anyways, in the middle of his talk, he held up a stack of books about film festivals, but being an adorably soft gay man, he couldn't support them on his arm. The other guy standing by went up and held them for him, but Cui Zi'en looked at me and demanded that I go up and hold them for him, because he usually has his "lala husband" holding up heavy stuff for him, and since she wasn't here, I could pretend to be the replacement... We have never met before. I thought he was kidding at first, but he kept looking at me with adorable, expectant eyes, hehe, until I went up and played the part, trying not to look awkward holding a stack of books up in the air for a couple minutes... while he went on about the films discussed in the books.

gain and loss

I only realized the last couple of days what I've done. What am I doing here? I am not visiting, not traveling... I'm here to live, to stay. I'm suppose to build myself a life here, by giving up the life I had back there. All of a sudden, the good things I had seem so precious. But of course I had to go. I couldn't have been content staying in Boston. The comfort wasn't enough, a home of my own wasn't quite enough. So far Beijing had been comfortable: getting my own space, still having a partner to fall back on, having enough social life with friends that I already know, keeping busy. It wasn't until last night, going out with Eva and a few other friends I haven't met before, did I feel a sense of not belonging. They were very good friends, I didn't know them well. The contrast was obvious. I couldn't keep up with their conversation, because they spoke too fast, too intimately, too loudly, and used Northern accents I couldn't decipher. All of a sudden I realized, wow, it really is different to live here than to visit. By the end of a year, could I build relationships as close as theirs? Would people want to, knowing that I'm only a passer by? Would it be time to leave, once again, as soon as I've established a life here? It took 5 years in Boston to find that place of belonging, after trying one group after another, experiencing all those different communities... Then I was edgy and bored, wanted to leave. And now I'm here, once again feeling lost, feeling alone, feeling discomfort. But it has to be this way. I still think it's worth it, even if I miss the people I've temporarily lost back "home" in Boston.

first post from beijing

I can't get on blogspot or facebook due to the censors. Hopefully I can get around this soon, after the 60th Anniversary of the PRC is over. But I can post using email, thankfully.

I've settled into a sort of life in Beijing already. It feels so strange, how comfortable it is... How busy I am, how relaxed I am. How familiar this city feels, the 3rd time here. I don't know if this is the same kind of surreal feeling I used to get, walking on the streets of San Francisco, presenting a self for the first time in Shanghai... But it almost feels as if I had never left Beijing last summer. All memories feel so ethereal, without the concrete objects to touch and sense. But at least, my sense of self is somewhat more grounded than before...if nothing else, age comes with permanence.

wonder lust

I've been molding away for the last few months, holed up, dried up, lacking inspiration/magic/travel lust/epiphany in my life. It's time to get on the road again, dust myself off, and shake loose the intimidation and lethargy that's been weighing me down. I want to find back some of that shameless, senseless confidence and daring that only youth can have. Though I've learned much about stability, depth and the darkest yearnings of my soul in the past 6 months, I'm still too young to settle into the destiny set for me in the stars! How many years do I have? How much strength do I have left to fight off the ever-present effect of gravity on my walk, the cumulative effect of sun tan on my Chinese skin, the weariness from wandering... I don't know how long I have, but I'm sure it's not ending now.